Part of getting over some of my discomforts is to consider the things about myself that make me squirm a little. A blog about private things I will share may be a little unnerving, but I am building up to bigger things I may want to reveal. As the acronym RAYOR suggests, read anything I post at your own risk. If you feel personally offended or disgusted by my current topic of choice, please feel free to leave!
As I am firmly planted in the reality of being female, I have had what some have called the privilege of a menstrual cycle. This involuntary occurrence has been mine to deal with for nearly three decades. At the beginning, we were all fed the notion that getting this cycle meant we were growing up, and when you're a kid, what could you want more than that? Even though your cycle was supposed to be sort of your own private secret, we girls all sort of knew who "had" it, and who had "not got it". I always sort of thought it was cool that menstrual cycles sort of leveled the playing field. Just because you were pretty and popular didn't mean you would be bestowed with the gift of growing up before some of your more average counterparts. (I got mine before a few of my more popular classmates, kind of a ha-ha, at the time.) I remember the teacher telling us all that IF "it", started at school, it would not be a big deal, and no one would know. I can say I call BULLSHIT on that! I was in Grade 7, and I remember feeling terrified, as I could feel that something was "running" out of me, and that I had NO control over it! It was a worse feeling than peeing yourself, as this was unexpected, and nothing like the teacher said it would be.
I remember telling myself to stay firmly put until recess, and wait until all my other classmates exited the room. I would them wrap a coat around myself, head to the office to get one of the emergency brown bags we were told would be there in case. A good friend of mine helped out with this. The brown bag was great, except for the mess I had now had to deal with. I had to get my friend to double back to the office to get them to call my Mum. I guess no one thought the first time would start with a bang the way it did!
Once this rite of passage had happened, I now knew this was going to be a regular thing, so I actually had to start being a bit organized so I would not be caught unaware or off-guard. For the first few years things went reasonably okay as far as cycles go. It was fairly predictable, which made things a little easier. Around the time I turned sixteen, another element came into play--cramps! Man, it was a bitch to suddenly start having them in the mix every month. I can recall times they were so bad, I actually missed school, as they left me curled up and feeling useless. Happily, I did find some pain relievers which took the edge off, but I have rarely been able to completely eradicate them from my cycle since.
Some things I have found to work to some degree over the years: iron tablets, Midol, hot soaks, and since having kids, Aleve, for about three days. Occasionally, I have had positive self-talk take the edge off, which helps!
A positive aspect of my cycle that I do like is the relative regularity I have been bestowed with. In my twenties, I could pinpoint my start days almost perfectly. After further research, I was able to determine ovulation times fairly accurately as well. I'm not bragging here or anything, but I have never been on birth control, though I had family members who believed I was. I was able to use my personal body knowledge to my advantage having kids. I knew the right window of time, and it worked four times. (I got three full-term babies as my reward.) I felt cheated out of the miscarried baby for quite a while--but it is true, time heals a lot of emotional wounds.
The inverse is also true, I have for many years been able to avoid those windows when I didn't want to have kids. I must have been doing something right, as I don't have 15-20 kids like some of those families on TV.
I must be past the baby days, as I am finding that time of the month more tedious as I inch ever closer to the big 4-0. It's way less exciting to get the twinges and aches that signal, yay, no baby again this month! It's more, sigh, here we go again, just get through these few days, where's the Aleve? Is there enough for a few days? Okay, then good, I think I can do this!
I'm sure when it's all over I will feel old. I may even miss the ritualistic regularity, but seeing when you're young you can't wait for it to start, it feels like the whole age and wisdom perception thing, where I might just be waiting for it to be over!
