I Am Who I Am....

I have been called dense for not getting it.  The same people who called me dense laughed about it.  Not sure if this did anything to my psyche, but maybe it has on a deeper level.  I was teased/bullied in school pretty much the whole way through, so after a while you believe the whole weird and dense labels.  Now that I am a couple of decades removed from high school, I reflect, and yes, probably due to my own quirks and insecurities I probably did appear weird and dense, so no backwards shooting of the messenger.  I can only think now about how this has shaped me to this point in life.  Here is some of the weird stuff about myself I think I can at least partially explain.

Eye contact - I wore glasses and was "shy" when I was little. I remember adults making a fuss over making eye contact with people.  I remember the whole thing just being too uncomfortable to do.  Even now, I have to make an effort to do this without it being forced. I still have some anxiety when I meet new people, people I'm not sure I trust, and of course any time I am not sure I have a clear read on the situation.  I do occasionally have times that part of me is telling me eye contact, yet another part of me fails, so it won't happen, despite my "good intentions,"

Doing things for folks who don't appear to appreciate it - Just part of making the world a somewhat better place, not playing into their negativity, etc.

My playlist is private - Unless I am solo in the Escape "Pod" I don't particularly indulge in my personal playlist, partly as we all have different musical tastes, and partly because when my stuff is playing for me, I will be singing along!   A lot of my music is nostalgic or mood inducing, and my inner feelings really are my own.

My feelings - this coming from a deeper level, I don't want to share a whole lot of intimate details with just anyone, as in the past I have either been A) misunderstood, B) not taken seriously, or C) sure that my feelings aren't going to do anyone any good, so why bother?

So, some other tidbits about me I will share:  I wake up to Jet Lag, have my phone ringtone customized to Clarity. I do try to let my inner kid shine through, sometimes this life needs some fun infused into it, and unlike my younger self, don't really much care what most people think about that.  Just as I leave the hair the way I like it. It's on my head, I have to live with it, so I don't take any suggestions, thank you very much!  Shorter and it's crazy, so no thank you!
I have overindulged in the alcohol department more than I should have, in the name of having a good old time, and grateful for the people I have indulged with, you know who you are--thank you for putting up with God knows what I said or did.  I have an idea of some of the potentially embarrassing things I have done, but in hindsight don't know if I did them or just (wished/imagined) I did.

I may not be the younger version of myself, there are a few extra pounds, a few grey hairs, but I have also picked up some extra baggage along the way, in the form of knowledge.  My younger self paved the way for me to be who I am today, and I feel I can say I am a decent person, which is all I am trying to be.