I will start by stating I have beliefs. I need to have a point to base from, so I should start with what I believe. There is a greater force than me out there in the Universe. I am in awe of what surrounds me, and the planet we live on. I am in constant awe of our species. We are capable of great things, good, and bad. Collectively, we have gone from living a relatively primitive existence to the rich and ever-changing existence we all experience today. If I stop to reflect for a moment I consider how we are so very fortunate to enjoy so many of the many advances available to us here on Earth right now, and to be extra grateful when considering there are members of our species which, unfairly may never experience a fraction of what we in many countries take for granted, and even consider our right. Even though there are millions of cars and other vehicles on the road at any given time, it can be mind-boggling to think how we arrived at the point that we are driving around, covering many miles, and doing it reliably! I don't even always give much thought to all the processes and technology--all the blood, sweat, and tears that got us to the point that we nonchalantly hop in our vehicles, turn the key, and not hope, but expect that engine to start up to take us on our way. The relatively odd time it won't, is not met with resignation, rather it becomes an annoyance, an inconvenience or even the end of one's patience!
I believe that for all the imperfections and flaws in the world, it is still an awesome, exciting place to be. Even though we all share much of the same DNA, we are all different, each with our own gifts and burdens, some of which we openly share with those around us, and others that we bury deep within our souls. I have spent an inordinate amount of time burying much of myself. For whatever it was that made me, ME! Call it self-esteem, self-love, what have you, for much of my life, I have believed (either correctly, or incorrectly) that what makes me tick was off-limits. I was protecting myself from others who I deemed more influential, intelligent, or just plain more worldly. Who really wanted to know what I thought or cared about anyway?
For years, I carried what I can best describe as a knot at my core. I always felt (and still do) conflicted. It has only been the past three years or so that I have started to loosen that knot, and every time I feel myself working another kink or crimp in my thinking out, I feel better! Some of the kinks in my knot have been alleviated simply by being honest with myself. Some issues are a little more complex, and require multiple thoughts or actions to even begin to come undone. Keeping with my knot analogy, I have to consider that when a knot has been tied that tightly for so long, the length that was coiled and held in place will not just lie flat and smooth. There will always be a tiny bit of kink, no matter how much you attempt to pull it all perfectly straight. Having that tiny reminder there serves to keep me on track, when I recall how much a situation or person used to make me feel or react. If my reaction now is even somewhat straight and true to how I feel, then voila! I am improving!
Another big admission here: In addition to being in perpetual awe and admiration for fellow human beings, I fear I do not always have a good read on others. This may stem from my introspective days, when I was far too worried about what others thought, and didn't put much stock in my own thoughts or values. If I had a conversation with a friendly and interesting soul, I would on many levels enjoy it, as we all do, but a deeper part of me would be asking, "so, why did this obviously awesome, interesting, with-it individual want to talk to me? Are all the other like-minded individuals busy? Otherwise occupied? Or (gasp) were they dared to talk to the weirdo?" The last one is a remnant from high school, as I am pretty sure this did happen, so what's to stop it from happening again, and again? This irrational, yet deeply seeded part of me is what won so many times into my adult life. I did eventually get more out-going, (at least on the outside), but the deep, dark part of me would eventually win out, time and time again.
Taking stock now, at the point of where I am at now, I can see that some of my thoughts would seem downright idiotic to anyone but myself. It's stupid to think it was wrong to have some of the feelings I had. I am sure I have "missed out," but the conclusion I have come to is that if something is meant to happen the opportunity will find a way to present itself again. That's why you never say never. I hope to be more astute to the signs and signals given to me by whatever guiding force is out there.
I don't want to be fearful to tell people I love them, and that they are important to me. In the past this was like exposing a weak spot to be expropriated, or even ridiculed and rejected. I have straightened my knot out enough to know that I can survive these things. It may leave a crimp in my line, but I can always try to straighten it out the best I can to move on.
This is how I begin my RAYOR posts. (If anyone cares) it stands for: Read At Your Own Risk, as I do not plan to apologize or fuss over what anyone else may think. I am documenting a journey--my own, in the hopes that it will make me a better person, the person I want to be!
It will be challenging, and freeing to delve deep and pull up some of the more poorly planted parts of myself. It's time, and I am going to do it!
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