I Am Who I Am....

I have been called dense for not getting it.  The same people who called me dense laughed about it.  Not sure if this did anything to my psyche, but maybe it has on a deeper level.  I was teased/bullied in school pretty much the whole way through, so after a while you believe the whole weird and dense labels.  Now that I am a couple of decades removed from high school, I reflect, and yes, probably due to my own quirks and insecurities I probably did appear weird and dense, so no backwards shooting of the messenger.  I can only think now about how this has shaped me to this point in life.  Here is some of the weird stuff about myself I think I can at least partially explain.

Eye contact - I wore glasses and was "shy" when I was little. I remember adults making a fuss over making eye contact with people.  I remember the whole thing just being too uncomfortable to do.  Even now, I have to make an effort to do this without it being forced. I still have some anxiety when I meet new people, people I'm not sure I trust, and of course any time I am not sure I have a clear read on the situation.  I do occasionally have times that part of me is telling me eye contact, yet another part of me fails, so it won't happen, despite my "good intentions,"

Doing things for folks who don't appear to appreciate it - Just part of making the world a somewhat better place, not playing into their negativity, etc.

My playlist is private - Unless I am solo in the Escape "Pod" I don't particularly indulge in my personal playlist, partly as we all have different musical tastes, and partly because when my stuff is playing for me, I will be singing along!   A lot of my music is nostalgic or mood inducing, and my inner feelings really are my own.

My feelings - this coming from a deeper level, I don't want to share a whole lot of intimate details with just anyone, as in the past I have either been A) misunderstood, B) not taken seriously, or C) sure that my feelings aren't going to do anyone any good, so why bother?

So, some other tidbits about me I will share:  I wake up to Jet Lag, have my phone ringtone customized to Clarity. I do try to let my inner kid shine through, sometimes this life needs some fun infused into it, and unlike my younger self, don't really much care what most people think about that.  Just as I leave the hair the way I like it. It's on my head, I have to live with it, so I don't take any suggestions, thank you very much!  Shorter and it's crazy, so no thank you!
I have overindulged in the alcohol department more than I should have, in the name of having a good old time, and grateful for the people I have indulged with, you know who you are--thank you for putting up with God knows what I said or did.  I have an idea of some of the potentially embarrassing things I have done, but in hindsight don't know if I did them or just (wished/imagined) I did.

I may not be the younger version of myself, there are a few extra pounds, a few grey hairs, but I have also picked up some extra baggage along the way, in the form of knowledge.  My younger self paved the way for me to be who I am today, and I feel I can say I am a decent person, which is all I am trying to be.

Stuff that Chaps My Hide...

Eeep, maybe I am starting the descent into cranky bitchdom, or maybe I am just getting fed up with bullshit in general.  I am not anyone's asswipe.  I am tired of doing my best and getting crapped on for it.  I have realized my time and priorities are just that. MINE.  I realize in the past I have cared far more than I should have about how my actions are going to make someone else feel.  I believe I have sincerely tried to live by the Golden Rule, which I will not be coughing out here, as I am sure said rule is common lore.

So, here is my random ranting of stuff that pisses me off...

Following the schedule as it is posted at work, as gee whiz, maybe management has scheduled us for certain times to allow for all tasks to be completed as, and when needed, and to best serve the guests that ahem, keep us in work and allow us to get paid for doing said work.
Getting to work, only to see other co-workers have shown up and decided what they "feel" like doing that day, and oh, they felt like starting an hour early, so they did, without checking to see if they were actually needed at that hour.
People who show up, say they need the hours, then proceed to whine about working, then leave early, without any consideration to co-workers still on the job.  I am not referring to people leaving for a genuine emergency or sickness here.
Co-workers not taking credit for their own work, hey you know, I don't really want my name on something you rushed through and didn't take any care and pride in.  I will take the approval/disapproval for my own shit, thanks...

On the road, I find myself gritting my teeth at the shitty driving, cycling, and pedestrian habits.  It's FUCKING winter, slow the hell down, don't run in front of me from behind a pile of snow, recipe for a massive coronary right there.  I have folks who seem to think the lanes through town are to weave in and out of, so they can beat some other commuter to the next light by a millisecond.  Also, we have this lovely invention in out vehicles called a turn signal, so that those of us who aren't blessed with the power of ESP will actually have a clue what you are planning to do.  
To the brave, and enthusiastic souls who choose to cycle at this time of year, please don't arc in front of me without using your hand signals,as i cannot read your minds any better than I can read the minds of drivers.

By posting these rants, I am in no way excusing my own faults or mistakes. The things above just happen on far too regular a basis to be minor annoyances. I am getting the general feeling that people are either so stressed or self-absorbed that they aren't taking the time to consider others.

There are days I am tempted to just do as the masses around me do, but then I would be a hypocrite for complaining, so I just heave a deep sigh and go about my day, not trying to be better than anyone else. but a better version of myself.

I still want to believe that mankind is overall decent, and that as humans we all make mistakes and have bad days, but lately I have been finding myself feeling less enthusiastic in my belief, yet wanting to bring back my optimism...

I guess this means digging deep, and putting in more effort myself.  I have to give it a try, that's all I can really do.  

Direction--Do I Have One?

I have to admit, I admire the folks out there who have their shit together.  The ones that formulate a plan, and by golly, they follow through with it.  If you are just such an individual I applaud you--hats off to you, and all the best...

Then there is me.  I seem to be just humming along, taking what's on the road and going with it.  I ask, is there anything wrong with taking this route?  By an outsider's view I may not look incredibly successful.  I feel like I win the small battles life throws at me, I make it through a work day without killing an incompetent or lazy co-worker, even though I want to snap when they leave me their work to do for the hundredth time in a row.  I persist when my kid tells me he can't do something that I am sure he can do if he just tries--and then he does and succeeds.  It's these small, albeit insignificant victories that keep me rolling.

It's all the what-ifs I shrug off, and go with the what nows.
There are days I think life would be great if we could do it like a choose your own adventure/ending book, where if the one outcome wasn't quite what you were expecting, you could always go back to try the other.  These are the what-ifs, what if I had made a different choice at this junction?  Where would I be now? Would I be better off--or worse?  I am getting a bit better with age about going with my gut on things and not overthinking the hell out of a decision.

I guess my life is not a well-thought out map.  I liken it more to a blank sheet of paper that is brainstormed, made notes on, doodled on, and then maybe a plan is outlined, in the broadest terms of course.  I am not the most adventurous person, but I have plenty of things to get my motor running.  I am not in competition with anyone else, although I do admire the efforts others make in their own life quests.  I see it often about not being able to blame others or events for the direction your life takes.  I agree that those close to us, and the events that happen to and around us. can shape us--yet they don't have to define us or be written in stone.

I will remain grateful for all the good things and opportunities that have come my way, and try to make the best of circumstances that aren't always going to work in my perceived favour.  Sometimes the wrong turn is a blessing in disguise, not an immediate signal to make a U-turn to start again.
I feel as if sometimes I have been so revved up, that it's hard to come down to a lower gear or approach from another angle.
I'm making myself take some time off work, the people I love--and hate to be around, to change gears for even a short amount of time to see if there is anything I need to change direction or perspective on.  
I may not have a clearly defined direction, but even a meandering, jagged path will take me somewhere....   
 

Emotional or Entertainment? Pondering Social Media

I think Facebook is great.  Not a perfect platform, but for my needs, it's great.  I can post thoughts, funnies, or pics, and everyone on my Friends list can look (or not!) to their heart's content.  I don't have to print off a pic and mail it to a few people, then ask those people to share it when other friends/relatives happen to come around.  I don't have to remember a joke, and the punch line, when I can just post it, either to a specific person's timeline, or to my own, and tag those I would especially like to have see it.
The point I would like to ponder is; when a group is created for a common purpose or interest, should we consider it to be entertainment, or do we ultimately attain an emotional attachment to whatever cause, person or interest we have signed up for?
My prime example of this started when social media and TV informed me of a family in need.  The story was picked up as the family needed help in a medical situation.  (To protect their privacy I will not be using their names!)  The story caught my attention, because a) it was a little kid. b) it was my hometown.  c) the disease had personally affected my family.  It tugged at my heartstrings, and while I would not be able to help them with their quest, as I was too old, too far away, and the wrong gender, it did not stop the ramifications of what this family was going through.  Some time passed, and I never did see any kind of follow-up on the news.  I then did what a relative terms "creeping" on Facebook.  I remembered the family's name, so it was a fairly simple search.  Bingo, they had a Facebook page dedicated to their child's predicament.  The group was open and public, so I could see everything without actually asking to join.  I perused a bit, seeing that at that point in time the child seemed to be all right. If not all right, then at least stable.
At this point, not knowing these people, I will admit my occasional "creeping" was probably more entertainment, putting it crudely.  I found myself wanting to check in every once in a while to make sure this child was doing okay.  What possessed me when I didn't even know these people?  I'm not sure, but the parents were very good at submitting updates to the group to let all the concerned members know what was going on.

My "check-ins" were innocent enough, it's not like I ever asked to join.  I was content to look in every now and then to see happy little tidbits of what looked like a return to normalcy for these folks that I did not envy.  All that changed about a month or so ago.  I happened to look up the group, as I had not done a check-in for a while.  I felt my heart get a bit heavier as I read about the latest development with the health problem.  Sadly, the child seemed to be going downhill.  At this point all of my contact about this family is still just social media, but the updates were flying thick and fast.  My frequency of looking in went WAY up.  I could sympathize.  I asked to join at this time, as I was looking in daily, and it just felt right.  Now the updates were showing up on my feed, making it that much easier to look in.  I have never met this family, yet here I am feeling as if they have allowed me a front row seat to the unfortunate drama in their lives.  As soon as mention of a gofundme page was posted, I was checking it out, and making a donation seemed like the most natural and right thing to do.  I was grateful that my own children didn't have the burden and fear of a life-threatening illness crushing them.  I have sat in the hospital with my own sister through her cancer burden, remembering how hopeful I felt, even as the "treatment," made her sicker.  She seemed to have the right attitude,so I had every reason to think she would kick the big C's ass to the curb.  She did for a time.  Sadly, the big C did end up winning in the end.  I don't know if it's because I know so few true cancer survivors, that I find myself rooting for people fighting the good fight.

What got me was the sheer volume of comments and interest in every update.  If a day or two went by with nothing new, I would find myself wondering, then hope that "no news is good news."  I also reminded myself that the family was looking out for their 1st priority, their sick child.  It made me realize that we never truly know another's perspective. I remember lots of hospital visits were mostly sitting around, especially if my sister was in the middle of chemo, or sick from some complication of her disease.  Maybe that's when this family found it most advantageous to post updates they wished to share with their Facebook audience.  I wouldn't know, as Facebook did not exist at the time of my sister's illness.  I'm not certain she would have wanted us to share photos of her at her worst anyhow.  Somehow, I wouldn't feel right taking a bunch of photos of being ill in hospital.  That might just be me though!  I will state that I am not slamming anyone who practices this.  Maybe this is a way to see a journey on social media.
What got me was well-meaning folks asking for updates!  I understand how they felt, but it seemed super-forward to actually ask!  Someone came on and gave a cyber-tongue lashing to folks asking for updates.  It may have come from a well-intended place, but all I could think is, how presumptuous! It's is the family's page, and I think it is only their place to decide the frequency of updates.

All of this got me thinking, social media is seen primarily as entertainment, but there are aspects of it that can hit a deep emotional chord.  Folks think there is disconnect when we are online, but I can disagree. I find myself feeling attached to people or causes I might otherwise not have known existed.  I may have otherwise just seen this story on the news and let it recede to the murky depths of my memory.  I may have wondered from time to time, without ever finding out how it was going.
With all the BS going on in this world of ours, I'm all for social media to make me more aware, sympathetic, and possibly even active where I can make a difference, even if it is a small one!

Thoughts on "That Time of the Month..."

Part of getting over some of my discomforts is to consider the things about myself that make me squirm a little. A blog about private things I will share may be a little unnerving, but I am building up to bigger things I may want to reveal.  As the acronym RAYOR suggests, read anything I post at your own risk.  If you feel personally offended or disgusted by my current topic of choice, please feel free to leave!

As I am firmly planted in the reality of being female, I have had what some have called the privilege of a menstrual cycle.  This involuntary occurrence has been mine to deal with for nearly three decades.  At the beginning, we were all fed the notion that getting this cycle meant we were growing up, and when you're a kid, what could you want more than that?  Even though your cycle was supposed to be sort of your own private secret, we girls all sort of knew who "had" it, and who had "not got it".  I always sort of thought it was cool that menstrual cycles sort of leveled the playing field.  Just because you were pretty and popular didn't mean you would be bestowed with the gift of growing up before some of your more average counterparts.  (I got mine before a few of my more popular classmates, kind of a ha-ha, at the time.)  I remember the teacher telling us all that IF "it", started at school, it would not be a big deal, and no one would know.  I can say I call BULLSHIT on that!  I was in Grade 7, and I remember feeling terrified, as I could feel that something was "running" out of me, and that I had NO control over it!  It was a worse feeling than peeing yourself, as this was unexpected, and nothing like the teacher said it would be.

I remember telling myself to stay firmly put until recess, and wait until all my other classmates exited the room.  I would them wrap a coat around myself, head to the office to get one of the emergency brown bags we were told would be there in case.  A good friend of mine helped out with this.  The brown bag was great, except for the mess I had now had to deal with.  I had to get my friend to double back to the office to get them to call my Mum.  I guess no one thought the first time would start with a bang the way it did!

Once this rite of passage had happened, I now knew this was going to be a regular thing, so I actually had to start being a bit organized so I would not be caught unaware or off-guard.  For the first few years things went reasonably okay as far as cycles go.  It was fairly predictable, which made things a little easier.  Around the time I turned sixteen, another element came into play--cramps!  Man, it was a bitch to suddenly start having them in the mix every month.  I can recall times they were so bad, I actually missed school, as they left me curled up and feeling useless.  Happily, I did find some pain relievers which took the edge off, but I have rarely been able to completely eradicate them from my cycle since.
Some things I have found to work to some degree over the years:  iron tablets, Midol, hot soaks, and since having kids, Aleve, for about three days.  Occasionally, I have had positive self-talk take the edge off, which helps!

A positive aspect of my cycle that I do like is the relative regularity I have been bestowed with.  In my twenties, I could pinpoint my start days almost perfectly. After further research, I was able to determine ovulation times fairly accurately as well.  I'm not bragging here or anything, but I have never been on birth control, though I had family members who believed I was.  I was able to use my personal body knowledge to my advantage having kids.  I knew the right window of time, and it worked four times.  (I got three full-term babies as my reward.)  I felt cheated out of the miscarried baby for quite a while--but it is true, time heals a lot of emotional wounds.
The inverse is also true, I have for many years been able to avoid those windows when I didn't want to have kids.  I must have been doing something right, as I don't have 15-20 kids like some of those families on TV.

I must be past the baby days, as I am finding that time of the month more tedious as I inch ever closer to the big 4-0.  It's way less exciting to get the twinges and aches that signal, yay, no baby again this month!  It's more, sigh, here we go again, just get through these few days, where's the Aleve?  Is there enough for a few days?  Okay, then good, I think I can do this!

I'm sure when it's all over I will feel old.  I may even miss the ritualistic regularity, but seeing when you're young you can't wait for it to start, it feels like the whole age and wisdom  perception thing, where I might just be waiting for it to be over!       

Quest for Freedom

This is my freedom year.  I plan to free myself from anything that restricts me.  I don't mean the day to day of jobs, kids, or paying bills (but, hell it would be welcome to drop some of the more tedious aspects of life!)
I am going to free myself of restrictive thinking and actions.  Instead of worrying, I will take a more positive approach to whatever I do.  I want to shed old ways of thinking that don't serve me well.  In the past I have put too much emphasis on what others might think.  My new, improved train of thought might say, this is what I need/want to do--I'm doing it!
Someone reading this might just be thinking, "So simple, so less writing about it, just get on with it."  Easier said than done!  I have been coming around to making changes to a mindset I may as well have set in concrete.

My notation of plans here is a chipping away at that solid mass, so that I may build something just as strong, but better in its place!  There are going to be times that effort will look/feel wasted or stalled.  I will get a glimpse of a crack, and be re-energized to renew efforts. No one else should be shaping what I should be.  I have the reins of my own life.  If thinking and doing good makes me feel awesome, you can be damn sure I will be doing it!

I also aim to be more comfortable in my own skin.  I appreciate that my body looks after me, so I in return should be showing it more love.  I may have some "excesses"  but they are part of the life story.  I have to admit the idea of doing a bunch of work to look like a model doesn't really appeal to me, and I love my food too much to do anything in that department.  The previous statements do not mean that I plan to just ignore my health.  I can do moderation.  I like enough different foods to keep all of me happy.  This gal won't be sweating it out in a gym.  I don't believe in resolutions at New Year.  I won't be a failure if I don't finish changing my mindset and attitude by this time next year.  As long as I am a better version of myself!

To all of you who make my heart sing with your presence and conversation, I need to let you know I love you.  I sometimes forget that even though I have said this affirmatively in my head, oops maybe the over-thinker in my brain never thought saying this out loud was prudent or necessary.  The over-thinker thought it might get a weird look or a brush-off.  Life is too damn short not to tell folks you love them.  Just like saying "Thank you!"  Neither thing is wrong to say.  Bring on the puzzled looks, but I will be opening the mouth to drop these tidbits where necessary.  I have mentioned gratitude and inspiration many a time in the past.  Love and thanks encompass both. 

I think the lines from Merry Go Round are resonating here:  Slow down, we've been turning for too long. Slow down, cause I'm barely holding on, and I don't know if I can make it another time around.  I don't want to keep going around and around in the same circles at the same speed, doing the same old, thinking the same old thoughts.  I need to slow down, renew my grip and figure out where I WANT to go!     
  

Contrast or Complement?

I started out with a great idea in my head to do a contrast on two seemingly different books about self-help, (much as I hate this term!)  The past couple of years I have been reading up on self-esteem, and through various avenues, and discussions with others came upon The Secret.  I am going to admit, I had seen it in stores before, and never gave it much of a glance.  The sheer number of copies in the display screamed that it must be endorsed by some big name, and I don't know if I just like being contrary or what, but every book or series that gets lots of media hype screams to me--walk away!  To this day I have not, (nor do I plan to) read the Harry Potter series, or the Fifty Shades trilogy.  Part of me figures they must be good if they are that popular, but there are so many good books out there to read that never get that hype, so they tend to be the ones I am drawn to.  I know enough people who have read the hyped books, so I get the general gist of it anyway, but I digress, so back to The Secret.  I admit I had no real idea the first time I saw it what it even contained.  I guess things happen for a reason, as the whole self-esteem topic spiraled off to the movement concerning the Law of Attraction.  No matter what others believe, the idea of putting out positive or negative vibes/energy spoke to me.  I am also the first to admit, I don't think this energy is "magic" or a cure-all for everything, but rather a philosophy.  My life is not 100% where I want it, but where would the fun be in that.  My goal since reading The Secret, is purely to look for more of the good in life to keep my own energy as positive as I can.  Do I blame the Laws philosophy for a shit day?  Hell no!

I am now currently reading F*ck Feelings, thinking from the synopsis I read on it that it would be a 180 degree opposite to everything The Secret proposed.  Imagine my amusement when fairly early into my reading, the book actually had a sidebar bashing The Secret!
Okay, maybe bashing is a little harsh, but it definitely was critical.  Having fully read The Secret, I don't recall it specifically stating that the reader should expect miracles.  In fact, I found it purposefully vague, no promises, just the insinuation that the reader was responsible for whatever they ultimately attracted.  They even had a few disclaimers telling folks not to just assume they could attract themselves well without professional help! (Of course i don't think you can wish cancer, AIDS, or other diseases away, but the way you approach treatment can help your outcome!) At the very least you can try to make the most of a bad situation so as to not allow it to rule or take over your life.
I think what The Secret is getting at is that if you are feeling grateful and happy, it becomes easier to see things in life to be happy and grateful for.  It all kind of builds on itself.  The inverse is also true.  A shitty day can become even shittier if you dwell on how shitty things are going.  Sometimes a situation can be turned around if you can shift even a small part of your thinking and keep that momentum going.

I am reminded of a reading about life and reactions. I saw a poster in a study room at school with a piece by Charles R. Swindoll that has stuck with me since I first saw it.  "Life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it."  I recall being so impressed with the larger piece of writing this came from about Attitude, that I copied it out in handwriting and took it home.  Basically the quote above is the punchline of the piece, but I find myself in agreement.

F*ck Feelings seems to be the realist view of the world, which also has it's place. Admittedly, I haven't finished it yet, but so far I am finding that while it contradicts some of what The Secret promotes, I have also found instances where it complements some of The Secret's ideas.  I guess I am not getting an exact 180 here, but it appears to be more of a back and forth.  F*ck Feelings stresses that we cannot control others, and situations beyond our scope.  If The Secret is read closely enough, one will see that it never claims a person can force their energy upon another--unless, both parties are emitting on the same frequency.  Makes sense, and probably where the expression about people "being on the same wavelength", came from!

I confess, I will need to finish reading F*ck Feelings before I can say with absolute certainty, but at this point in the game, this is where I stand in my own comprehension of what has been presented to me.  I could have been one-sided and whole-heartedly took everything The Secret presented as the gospel, but I would be a hypocrite, as I am always telling my kids there is more than one side of the story, and the information F*ck Feelings puts forth are valid, and yet another side of the story to explore.  I will do a final update when I read and process the last of the book.  Until then, I plan to keep an open mind!